@OnlyFastEddie: The closest I've ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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@saxbot: 9 out of 10 people agree that it's weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.
@Brampersandon_: *tightens straps on electric chair* Any last words? -I think male oysters should be called boysters Omg will someone throw the damn switch
@vineyille: I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
@JesseWeller: You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.