The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
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One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Yep.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral