The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !