The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.