The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Bobby pin
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.