@markhoppus: "The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era" I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.
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@iscoff: Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
@TheMichaelRock: 8yo: can you tell me a story? Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night. 8yo: WHAT?! Me: goodnight, buddy.
@vineyille: [Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
@ojedge: [first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] "…& they all lived happily ever after" Customer: "That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'"