[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
You Might Also Like
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
🐕🍷
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs