The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.