The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
This is my brand.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods