The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
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Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue