@kelkulus: The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
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@massive_images: Dad: "So what are you going to do after you graduate?" Me: "well, mom said we'll probably go out somewhere to eat"
@Reverend_Scott: [sees cute girl jog by] "Imma run up and ask her out" [one block later still not caught up] "Ok, wow, we probably weren't soul mates anyway"
@Jake_Vig: My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
@meladoodle: A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they're useful messages. Like "remember you have yoga at 6 tonight"