The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
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Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”