The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
You Might Also Like
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
No. YOU-buprofen.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”