The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
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ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist