The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.