The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
vegan witches, happy halloween!
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Based Erika
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”