inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
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76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Phones down.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
The asteroid..
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
*sewing*
A thread
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.