[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
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Pikachu found the lost joint
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Great acting.. 😂
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)