The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)