The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
🚲+physics = winner
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!