@charstarlene: The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we're dating
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@TheWeirdWorld: The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
@withanewname: [Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
@EndhooS: Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I'm real good at crimes! "No" Why? "YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE"
@LimeyTheGreat: Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me "Where would you like to sit?" I replied "preferably on a seat." #accomplished