@charstarlene: The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we're dating
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@lecalabara: Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
@SirEviscerate: *joins Buddhist monastery* *withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training* So, vending machine that didn't drop my funyuns. We meet again.
@Sickayduh: Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you. Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon? [from my stomach] I'm right here
@ericsshadow: [undercover FBI agent who's had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?