@AbrasiveGhost: [Me as a Realtor] BUYERS: this is a great house, what's the catch? ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

@PetiteRainCity: Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

@theveganqueen: the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@freypalm: Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G. Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

@WilliamAder: I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who's going to eat them all anyway.