The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open