@charstarlene: The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we're dating
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@DanielRCarrillo: Rejected names for lumberjacks: -Woodroberts -Treedaves -Logjeffs -Forestbills -Timberjims
@weismanjake: Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don't think of this word, a random man will be put to death.
@jctwritesstuff: [Speed date] Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house? Him: I uh... I don't... Me: NEXT
@ShaunRightNow: I'm married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.