@charstarlene: The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we're dating
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@ilovepie84: My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
@RandiLawson: Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
@KeetPotato: if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off