The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
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Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time