The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests