The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?