the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
happy friday
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there