I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Cat is stressing him out.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
just gave your address to some spiders
Day 2 of my diet
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark