The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.