The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
S O O N
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?