The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
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Life hack
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
how to market bottled water to dads
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*exercises sarcastically*
this is so top tier i cant
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to