Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
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every raccoon you see is currently on parole
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Never mess with a drunken pig.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here