The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
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Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
how long have you had this for?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.