The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
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‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.