me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
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me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.