The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.