The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.