[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Sorry. Not sorry
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.