It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..