@Underchilde: The Dirty Dancing lift, except I’m throwing her off a cliff.
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@InternetHippo: I’m in pretty good shape [lie detector buzzes] Yesterday I sneezed too hard and now my neck hurts
@iwearpajamas: My girlfriend talks to her dog like it's going to talk back. Kind of like when Christians talk to God.
@Jeffwni: [hears a voice in the sky] - Is it you? GOD?! [kneels] Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
@BruceForce: Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human