I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on