daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
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[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Owl Sanctuary
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
FINE, I WON’T.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.