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@IamEnidColeslaw: the divorce rate for socks is 100%
@doguacate: Listen. You've been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don't know what you're "expecting"
@TheGladStork: Work tip: if you're going to ask your boss if you can "work from home", don't use air quotes.
@tropicalenvy: I love money. I set it free and it didn't come back. Relationships are hard.
@llvvzz: I'm no longer interested in self-discovery; I'm more interested in self-medication.
@XplodingUnicorn: Random woman in the store: What's in your mom's tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.