My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.