@IamEnidColeslaw: the divorce rate for socks is 100%
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@VanGobot: *sees a bug in my apartment* me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner* WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
@novicefather: A breakfast buffet at my funeral so people will be happy. But with soy bacon and chia seed pancakes so they know it's a time to grieve.
@audipenny: I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like "SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????" and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
@JesssieAshley: If by drinking responsibly you mean drinking out of a plastic cup rather than a glass one then you're damn right I am.