Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
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Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I cannot stop laughing at this
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Day 2 of my diet
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir