The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.