My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
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Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
A dad and his duck
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot