@brendohare: The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn't do it. They said I couldn't fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right
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@FatherWithTwins: Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we're in the car *5 secs later Me: What're you eating? 5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ......Nothing
@myles_morrison: Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I said "Hell no. I don't want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home."
@amydillon: OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food. MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
@robwhisman: [swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would