@brendohare: The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn't do it. They said I couldn't fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right
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@VerifiedDrunk: Twitter handles are what would happen if the DMV let everyone put whatever they wanted on their license plates.
@T_Bonezzz_: Dear women who just gave birth, Stop naming your child 'Khalessi'. Sincerely, The rest of the human race
@Jay_FrickinLynn: M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai- H: What? M: I saw you pecan! H: No, I wasn- M: You're macadamian me mad. H: You're nuts.