There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
They must have gotten it to go.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday