The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I’d use my best pan on you.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.