@PJTLynch: The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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@NicestHippo: [god to lions] You will be the symbol of power and prestige [sees the crickets] Ew. Uh...you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs
@LeBearGirdle: Wife: can you pick up milk? Me: [lifts gallon] yea it's easy Wife: I mean from the store Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
@sarcasticmommy4: Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
@markydoodoo: I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.