@PJTLynch: The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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@EJGomez: [holding my aunts stupid idiot baby] what sound does a cow make "moo!" good now a dog "woof woof!" 2 for 2. now...WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE
@WheelTod: Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves But I don't like to point fingers
@robfee: 1 Buy a racehorse 2 Hire a TMZ reporter as the jockey 3 Tell him a minor celebrities is drunk at the finish line 4 Win literally every race
@CornOnTheGoblin: ? Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly My stomach reacted badly after eating old zucchini ? and I just pooooed ?