Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.