*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
be careful
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.