Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8