@moose_chocolate: The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
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@Floatersfinest: People laugh cos I've got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who'll be laughing then?
@Sassafrantz: [text] "Just saw this! I'd love to go to dinner!" Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now. "Bring 'em! Sister Wives is my jam!"
@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
@AndySandford: Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it's not up to me to find these kids?