@moose_chocolate: The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
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@NervousJr: Whenever you're feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there's people that pay money to exercise.
@PaperWash: [handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don't want more of you coming back next year
@sammyrhodes: If you've ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you're in luck today.
@iamspacegirl: [answering door on halloween] NEIGHBORHOOD MOM: please stop giving the children hamsters ME *hands full of hamsters*: but it's Halloween