@hollyberryness: The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so... I choose sleep.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at the pearly gates] I said, "send me a selfie." Then she said, "too ugly today." So I said, "never stopped you before" ...& here I am.
@BradBroaddus: INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.
@ddsmidt: The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.