The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f